A friend had a baby shower the other day as she is waiting to welcome home her new daughter from foreign lands. I sat in a roomful of women who surrounded my friend and we all cried and prayed for her over the days she has waited and the days of travel and transition ahead.
I’m only just now beginning to process the entirety of our adoption journey, but if I could have spoken through my tears, this is what I would have said…
This adoption business is messy. The waiting? It’s ugly. I can look back and see all the weaving of beautiful circumstances that God was doing, but in the middle of it? It just felt BAD.
It felt wrong to wait to rescue my daughter, to let someone else meet her needs, and probably not meet them like I would. In the midst of that long wait, our lives were messy, I cried a lot, and our whole family felt the tension of the Longest Gestation Ever.
But now, I look back at the things I wrote, the prayers I prayed through tears, and I see the Beautiful. I see God at work so clearly, refining and shaping us as a family-in-waiting. His plan was perfect. But it was painful.
Our trip to get Mira was fraught with all sorts of Unexpected Messes. Lousy guest houses, a robbery, stolen passports, and a judge who said, “No.” They make a good story now, but the mess in my head and heart at the time was overwhelming.
And then there’s that time when you get home… The truth is, Mira attached to us well. She knew we were hers. And we knew from the first moment we saw her that she was our daughter. But there’s a big difference between knowing something in your head and feeling it deep down in your bones. We all needed some time for that…
Think about the children you carry in your own body. You learn their tiny kicks, their movements… you’ve had 10 months to surround them with warmth. And when they’re finally in your arms, already, they feel just right. But there’s still some learning that has to take place. That baby doesn’t trust you to feed it, change it, meet its needs. You’ve got to spend months feeding and cuddling before one day, the baby doesn’t cry and scream for food or bed. Because they know it’s coming. Now the baby trusts you. And you’ve learned what all the cries mean, you’ve learned to anticipate the needs beforehand.
It’s the same thing for adoption. Mira needed time to trust us, to believe we would feed her, pick her up, comfort her. And we just needed time to learn all about her, her movements, her likes and dislikes…
But it’s not easy. I’ve spent countless hours in my chair, just holding her, reassuring her that I was Mommy and I would always be there. Normal daily accomplishments were reduced to almost nil while we worked to build up trust between us all. Relationship takes time. And building it is messy.
It didn’t feel like a beautiful process at the time. My house was a wreck, I didn’t cook dinner, we were lucky to get through an hour and a half of schooling before Mira needed my full attention. We watched a lot of Nick Jr., I am not gonna lie.
We screwed up, got frustrated. Mira yelled at us because she was frustrated, too. She was scared and so were we. Parenting an adopted child, no matter the age, means you throw out the rule book and all you ever thought you knew about parenting, and you start over. I cried, Mira cried, and we wondered if it would always feel that way.
But, y’all… it doesn’t.
I see all that now. I see it because my daughter laughs the biggest belly laughs you’ve ever heard. I see it because she dances and sings and doesn’t care who watches her. I see the way she asks her brothers to pick her up and plays babies with her sisters. I see her ride in the van and not scream or throw up. I feel the way she cuddles in tight and feels just right in my arms.
And it’s Beautiful.
Adoption is a perfect picture of how our Heavenly Father, who saved us and adopted us as His own, loves us. Adopted children do not implicitly trust their new parents. And we are not inclined to trust our Heavenly Father, though we KNOW He has our best at heart.
And yet God continues to love us, to call us His.
I’ve told you all that adoption is NOT the perfect solution. It’s the result of brokenness, a fallen world. And it’s messy. But then, so was our own spiritual adoption.
The road to the cross… it was ugly. The wait had to have been painful for Jesus, knowing what was ahead. People let Jesus down, broke His heart. And the ultimate WRONG had to happen, the death of God’s son, in order to make things RIGHT.
Out of that hideous MESS, God brought redemption. He made us beautiful.
So here is my prayer, for all of you, mommies or not, adoptive parents or not… I pray that God would give you the eyes to see His beauty in all the Mess.
I pray that when the days are hard, the tears are many, and the wait is long, that you will be able to see Beauty at work.
Because life is messy. Our sinful world is messy. But God is at work. And His works are good. So embrace the mess, sit and praise in the mess, look for glimpses of beauty in the mess. Because He Is There. And, in His grace, He’s making Something Lovely…
*All the really pretty pictures of Mira are courtesy of Allison Lewis Photography.
She is getting so big and she’s so beautiful! Thank you for these words, they are good ones to start the week with. All I have been seeing today is the mess awaiting me tomorrow morning.
i think that’s my favorite post you’ve ever written. so full of honesty, truth, beauty, and hope. thank you, friend.
love. 🙂
That’s beautiful, LL (and so is your family)!
Karen – Thanks, friend! Hugs to you!
We have taken the journey of adoption 3 times. There were countless tears, frustrations, fears. You described the beautiful mess so perfectly. He refines and strips away all that is un necessary and fills you with a new love that is not born of our bodies, but of our hearts, by HIS Spirit.
Thank you
We’re waiting to travel to Ethiopia to meet our girlie in a couple of weeks. Your post made me cry because it so perfectly described what we’re going through, and still have in front of us. Thank you for your words, and for the pretty pictures at the end. I needed some reassurance and a smile tonight.
girl. This is an incredible post. truly.
And you know, my story over this move is still being written. But I can look back and see the *beautiful* in many parts. You said you could look back and see the prayers you wrote, etc. Me too. In fact, I wonder if it was really me who did that b/c I certainly am not feeling it now. 😉
But you summary is true. We are *God’s* children and this is HIS story. Am waiting patiently for the end of this chapter…and not so patiently some days. 🙂
love you much,
rachel
Thank you for this post, and your honesty. And for generalising to all of our lives, because the need for looking at the Beautiful doesn’t apply exclusively to adoption, but to all of our walk this side of heaven.
“I see God at work so clearly, refining and shaping us as a family-in-waiting. His plan was perfect. But it was painful.”
I particularly needed to hear this today, thank you for the encouragement.
My first time here … most definitely not my last 🙂
Lovely words and hitting home for so many different reasons. Thank you for sharing your heart. It was a true blessing to me today!
Beautiful, heartfelt words, friend. And a beautiful Miracle, too.
Why did you have to make me cry this morning?! Lovely words. Do you listen to Gungor? They have a song called Beautiful Things that this post brought to mind.
Thank you so much for your honesty. Your words have touched my heart. We are planning to start the adoption process sometime soon and I have so appreciated getting to follow your journey through your blog. God has used your stories to bless and encourage me. Thank you.
Today, in the middle of waiting, I NEEDED to read this. Thank you!
“Parenting an adopted child, no matter the age, means you throw out the rule book and all you ever thought you knew about parenting, and you start over.” = Perfect. Thanks, hon. Well done.
Thanks for writing this! We’ve been home with our little girl for almost 3 months and this really is exactly how we are feeling.
Christa – Hang in there, honey. Now that things are improving, I can look back and see how hard it was. But at the time, you feel like it SHOULD be easier, and yet it isn’t. You WANT it to feel different, but it doesn’t. Keep on hangin’ on… the good stuff is coming! Hugs!
This is a beautiful post.
Sigh. Breathing joy with you over the mess of beautiful that is redeeming love.
I found your blog when someone (BooMama maybe?) linked to it during your adoption travels and have been reading ever since. I felt very moved to share this post with 2 friends – one who is waiting to travel to Ethiopia in a few weeks to bring home her son, and one who is in the midst of a long battle with infertility. Two very different messes that I hope He will make beautiful very soon. Thank you for blessing us with your beautiful words.
Adoption is messy=TRUTH. We are 4 months home with our daughter from Ethiopia, and it has been rough. What you said about knowing something in your head vs. feeling it deep in your bones-that’s exactly our struggle right now. Thanks for your honesty!
Thank you for this! We are in the middle of our wait and it makes me crazy, there are so many fears and frustrations but we know God is in it all!
Long time reader…first time poster…
Your daughter looks like you. Seriously. The picture of her with the pink pillow. Ya…that is your face as a baby. A.MAZ.ING!!! Also. Thanks for the honest words. I have 4 kids. Did not adopt. And still screw up a lot.
I needed, NEEDED to hear (read) this today. We’re in the midst of a very long, messy foreign adoption, and I’m feeling so down. It seems as if we will never finish. Thank you for your encouragement. I feel as if the Lord has strengthened my resolve through your words.
Beautiful words! Waiting is never easy, but the prayers that come from that do draw us closer to God!
What a sweet smile she has, you can see the delight in her eyes!
Stephanie
My family of 4 is currently in the 6th year of waiting for our newest daughter. The wait is finally drawing to a close. Your words ministered to me tonight. I’ll be back here again. thank you for letting God use you to minister to me.
Thank you for this. I totally agree. This is a blessing for many.
We have two bio adult kids, one adult son-adopted, two adopted daughters, one with spina bifida, and we and are in the process of adoption TWO special needs treasures from China.
Every adoption journey has been a mess! But, this one, adopting two sons at once, both with spina bifida, has been the messiest! I can’t describe here the mess, some far too personal, but other things, finances, illnesses, broken appliances…every step every day has been difficult the past few weeks.
My hope is in KNOWING the beauty that comes from the ashes. God will bring glory from the mess!
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you. Through my tears, thank you.
Adoptive momma of 4 children from Hard Places.